Prologue: Thicker than Water
I am an angry soul who goes to bed everyday, hungry for blood. My anger festers, with every true love's kiss, and all the warm embraces they exchange. When I see two lovers arguing it only makes me happy. I listen too their bickering and it only reminds me that love is pain. People just want to think that the key to a long-lasting life is love, but it only brings you misery. So to put them out of their misery, I live my cursed days on earth spreading evil with my bow and arrow.
When the light touches the peak of the mountain, I cast my arrow on an unlucky soul. Then when the moon rises into the blood red sky I swoop down, and sink my teeth into my prey. The villagers of Suelo de Sangre arm themselves with weapons because they don't know what me and my league of bloodthirsty animals have in store for them. I used to be an angel, a saint. Who am I you ask? Some call me Cupid, others call me Angel, but I am neither.
What I used to be does not defy who I am now. I am the one who girls find hideous in character, but easy on the eyes. I am the one who makes little children afraid to wander into the deep dark forest of Suelo de Sangre. I am the Prince of Darkness.
In the night me and my newfound family lurk in the dark forests, searching for blood to quench our thirst. We're devils of the night, and angels of the day. We live our lives like humans, from sun up to sun down. But when the sun sets into the horizon, we become beast, monsters from hell.
Not one human has been brave enough to challenge us immortal sins. All have cowered at the sound of blood being drained from our prey's soul. I am the Angel of Mercy, I leave no survivors. Unless you beg for life among the dead. Even so, once you are a vampire, you would wish that I had killed you. Vampires are cursed souls who only long to feel what little warmth the earth has to give.
For so long I have tried to get rid of these feelings, and try to be who I used to be. I have yearned for so long to feel love again, but no matter how I try my heart is broken. No one understands the pain I endure everyday, and I'm starting to have doubts about releasing those horrible monsters from the dark prison they came from, their minds. Because the mortal humans thought they wanted power, they were willing to give up love and their mortality for it. I have been corrupted by their evil ways, and I too have forgotten what it feels to love someone unconditionally. But I can't blame them for the hell I am putting them through. Maybe my heart is softening, and I admit it's because I want to change.
If my heart begins to soften, what will I do about these monsters? They'll only want more blood, something more satisfying. Then, they'll try to devour my soul, that'll make them more powerful. But so long have I waited to be with my love. I have only watched her from above, but I love her already. Her name is Esperanza, I believe, the mortal king's daughter. I don't know how I'll get her to fall in love with me because I don't want to use my arrow. She's too special for that.
For so long I have craved blood and misery, but I have found my antidote. It is love, and it fills me up just like the taste of blood. Blood is thicker than water, but love is heavier than both.
Chapter 1: An Unexpected Love
The fire began to die down as the woman threw water from the ocean onto it. It was cold outside, and as the wind blew, the trees began to whistle a deadly tune. Howls could be heard in the distance, and the screams of those who didn't head home could be heard. The sounds of the forest merged together to form a deadly tune. In time, the moon will rise and light the blood red sky. Then no one will be safe, no matter how fast they ran.
The woman looked left and right every five seconds as she hastened through the forest. Branches snapped as she made her way down the trail. With every step she took, the path only seemed to get longer. Suddenly she tripped and fell.
As she tried to get up, her legs screamed in pain. She could hear footsteps moving towards her at lightning speed as she struggled to stand. Finally, when she was on her feet, someone grabbed her arms. The woman slowly turned around to see a man with a pale face, blood dripping from his mouth. She wanted to let out a scream, but the man put his rough hand over her mouth.
"Calm down my dear. It'll just be a little pinch." the man whispered, licking her neck.
The woman cringed with fear as the hot breath of the man caressed her neck. She felt vile and nasty as the licking continued. Finally she couldn't take it anymore. She grabbed the man's arms, and tried to pull them off of her. But the man only became more aggressive and pushed her down on the ground.
A yelp of pain escaped from her mouth. She looked up to find two red eyes staring into hers, as if they could see the fear deep down in her soul.
"I can smell the fear on you deary, and I can't wait to taste it." the man said, licking his lips.
"I'm not afraid of you, you monster!!!" the woman replied angrily.
The man smiled an evil smile and then leaned in towards the woman's neck. The woman closed her eyes thinking her life was over, when suddenly the man got off of her. As she opened her eyes, a bright light crossed over her.
Before she could see what was happening, everything went black. When she awoke she found herself in a wooden cabin, in front of a fire. As she looked around she slowly began to panic.
Where am I?
The cabin was one big room, with a wooden door. She was about a couple of feet from it, and with the right amount of strength, she could probably get to it. Escape.
As she moved, her whole body began to ache immensely. She felt as if she'd been thrown around. Images flashed through her mind, and she started to remember what happened...
She was in the woods, suddenly she seen a boat coming towards Suelo de Sangre. Hoping they would see her; she lit a fire and waited for hours. Then she realized it was almost night, and knew she had to get home. As she was making her way home, she was attacked. Her attacker ran away when a flash of light swept over them. That's when she blacked out.
Sweat trickled down the woman's face as she tried to figure out how to get away. Although she couldn't remember much, she knew that she needed to find a familiar face. The woman slowly turned onto her stomach, and pushed herself up. Pain struck her like lightning, but she continued to ignore it. When she was on two feet, she began to wobble towards the door. Realizing the door was farther away than it looked, she let out a soft cry.
As she kept moving forward, her legs began to numb, and she lost her balance. The woman expected to feel a rush of pain, but two arms caught her. She looked up to see a man in about his twenties, with shoulder-length blond hair, and light green eyes. Startled at the sight of the someone who might have been her attacker, she tried to pull away. Because she was weak at the moment, she was defenseless. Giving up, she let herself be carried to a cot. Hoping that she'd be able to pull out her cross in time.
"Well I knew that wasn't going to last long. Really, did you think you could get away without me?" a man asked, chuckling.
"Who and what are you?" the woman asked, squinting her eyes.
"Well my name is Aaron, and I think I'm human. Why? Is this some sort of trick question?" the man asked, curiously.
The woman shrugged, and then Aaron turned towards a chair. While Aaron was turned around, she felt around her pocket for her stone cross. When she had it in her hands, she pulled it out.
"Hey Aaron, look at this!!" the woman said, holding the cross in the air.
Aaron turned around, and stared at the cross. A confused look washed over his face. The woman's eyes began to lower as she realized that Aaron wasn't a vampire.
"You know you're one strange girl."Aaron said chuckling.
"Well you're one strange guy. Who are you to carry a girl off to some unknown place?" the woman asked angrily.
"Look, I'm sorry if this isn't much, but this is all I have right now." Aaron replied softly, grabbing his arm.
The woman's eyes fell towards Aaron's arm. She could see a blood stain, and realized he must have been slashed in the attack. As she thought about how mean she's been to Aaron, disappointment washed over her face.
"Let me help you." the woman said, getting up.
"No you're already in pain, I'm fine." Aaron said sighing.
Not listening to Aaron, the woman stepped down and made her way over to Aaron. When she reached the chair she bent down beside it.
"You're stronger than you look."Aaron said smiling.
"Maybe I can make it home on my own." the woman agreed, picking up a wet rag that was on the ground.
As Aaron began to pull his shirt off, the woman stared at his rippling muscles. His body so nicely toned. As her eyes fell on his chest, she couldn't help but notice the old scar wounds.
"I get into a lot of fights. Really these were so deep, you'd think I would have bled to death." Aaron explained, catching the woman's gaze.
The woman's face grew hot. She didn't realize she was staring at him that long. Shaking away the feeling, she dipped the rag into the warm water, and placed it on the wound. After she washed the blood off, she bandaged it up. Aaron looked down at his arm and smiled in amazement.
"Thanks." Aaron said, standing up.
"You're welcome. It's the least I can do, after all you did save my life ." the woman replied, gazing into Aaron's eyes.
"No...I just happened to be passing by and I saw you..." Aaron started, uneasily.
"Please don't act as if you didn't just do something major! Ugh!! Why can't guys except what they did was great and say you're welcome?" the woman snapped angrily.
"Forgive me for saying this but you seem like you've had a lot of bad relationships. Oh, I'm sorry I didn't mean to offend you or anything. Sometimes I get a little opinionated, and things just slip out...easily." Aaron said nervously.
"It's fine...you're right, and the reason for that is because I do lash out often...and I can't believe I'm talking...to...you... about this." the woman said slowly.
"No...No please don't be embarrassed. If you ask me...when you share your secrets with a complete stranger you feel changed in a way. Trust me on that." Aaron replied smiling.
Aaron stared at the woman as she twirled her long, dark, brown hair with her fingers. He was memorized by her beauty and her soft accent. He had never seen someone as different as he up close before. To him, everything about this woman was interesting.
"What are you looking at me like that for?" the woman asked softly, breaking Aaron's thoughts.
"You are just so beautiful." Aaron replied smiling.
"No I'm not...I just have a normal face with..." the woman started nervously.
"Why can't girls take a compliment and say thank you?" Aaron asked playfully.
The woman laughed at Aaron's innocent joke, and slowly but surely she thought she was falling for this funny, charismatic, guy who treated her as if she was everything. Only she hoped Aaron didn't notice.
"They say laughter is the medicine to all the pains in the world. I hope that laugh cured whatever hurt you had in your soul. You know, something has been troubling me all night." Aaron said softly, staring into the woman's eyes.
"What is it?" the woman asked.
"What could a lovely lady like yourself be doing outside at this time of night? And what could she be running from?" Aaron asked in reply.
A sudden look of sadness washed over the woman's face, and tears slowly fell from her eyes. Aaron scolded himself softly, because he didn't mean to make his angel cry.
"I'm so sorry...really...I didn't mean to pry. I won't ask again." Aaron said sadly.
"No it's not you. It's just that I really wanted to escape this world, but I didn't realize that I didn't really know where I was going. Because of my rash actions you're injured, and my father is probably worrying himself to death. I am a complete idiot." the woman replied, crying heavily.
"Please don't put yourself down like that. We all want to leave our homes for maybe just a while or maybe for good. People just need a change of scenery sometimes, and they're not idiots for wanting just that." Aaron said holding, the woman's hand.
"You do not know the life I have lived, and you certainly do not know who I am." the woman said sadly.
"I don't need to know you personally because I've summed up quite a few things about you by just watching how you react to certain things. And I must say that you are the most caring, courageous, smart, and beautiful woman I've ever encountered. Forgive me if I do not know of your sins or the mistakes you've made, but I know that all of that doesn't matter. We all have moments when we do things without thinking, and I should know. I have had millions of times like that." Aaron said smiling.
Silence filled the air as the two gazed into each others eyes. Aaron was still holding the woman's hand, and not once had she moved it. They leaned in towards each other as if to start this unexpected love with a passionate kiss. But instead the woman kissed Aaron on the cheek.
"What was that for?" Aaron asked, touching his cheek as if the kiss was still there.
"For everything." the woman simply replied.
****
Cupid watched as the sun peaked over the mountain. A smile washed over his face as the sun slowly caressed it . The curse was lifted and he was now free to roam the earth without craving blood. His hands would be washed of the blood that he had spilled, and for twelve hours his sins would be forgotten. Suddenly the door to his room creaked open to reveal the pale, ugly face of his eternal servant and confidant, Cal.
"Did you do what I told you to do?" Cupid asked, turning towards Cal.
"Well...that's exactly what I'm here...to tell you about, sire." Cal replied uneasily.
Anger replaced the smile that was plastered on Cupid's face. If blood rushed through his veins, it would boil under his skin.
"I send you out to do one thing, Cal. I trusted you to bring me back my princess , but you couldn't do it." Cupid scolded angrily.
"It wasn't my fault sire. A guy came with...with a torch and fought me off!! I had her sire, I really had her. One bite...was all I needed to do, but I was attacked sire." Cal explained sadly.
Cupid rose his hand in the air and swung it at Cal. The slap brought Cal to his knees. The slap felt like fire sweeping over the left side of his head. Cal looked up to find Cupid's face softening, Cal could tell he did not mean to hit him so hard.
"Cal you know I need her blood to be pure. To lift this curse we need a human and if she is not human then what are we supposed to do?" Cupid asked softly.
"Sire, what makes you think this girl will love you because you for whatever reason love her?" Cal asked firmly.
"All the girls love me because of my looks." Cupid replied.
"Well it won't matter if you are drop-dead gorgeous or utterly grotesque to her. You are the one who would be destroying her life, and she could never love you for that." Cal said firmly.
"Hmm, I didn't think of it that way." Cupid replied truthfully.
"Sire, that is why there is no reason for you to fight for something that will never be. We have everything that any man would give up love for. Besides you remember what happened the last time you fell in love with a human." Cal said softly.
"No man would want to give up a woman's touch to live a life full of anger and pain." Cupid said firmly, turning towards the window.
Cupid stared at the orangish-yellow sun, taking in it's beauty for he could not enjoy the warmth. Suddenly Cal's words started to slowly sink into his mind, giving him a terrible headache.
"We are sinners, sire, and sinners don't have any regrets. You gave us this gift, and we deserve to enjoy it for eternity." Cal whispered coldly in Cupid's ear.
"You don't feel the pain I have to bare every night. I am angry and frustrated all the time now. And this hunger for love won't go away. I have no heart Cal, but still what I think and what I feel won't go away. That is why I can't enjoy this eternal gift. It is time we put an end to all of this." Cupid replied sighing.
"When you fell from the sky, me and father took you in and raised you as one of our own. We are brothers Cupid, and brothers don't give up on one another just for the sake of love." Cal said, placing a hand on Cupid's shoulder.
Cupid laughed softly, and turned around to face Cal.
"We are not brothers Cal, because if we were you wouldn't try to stand in my way. I love Esperanza with all my heart, and I'll put that on everything. But what do you care? You've never had the heart or the decency to give love let alone to know what it is." Cupid said angrily.
"Cupid you are a vampire. You are a fowl, dirty creature, in the eyes of the entire human race, we all are. You have killed thousands, and showed no mercy. So what makes you think you're any different from me or any other vampire?" Cal asked firmly, pacing back and forth.
"I want to change." Cupid replied firmly.
"It is too late for change." Cal said staring into Cupid's eyes.
"I once thought that. When the curse surrounded my immortal soul...I thought it was too late for me. Since then, Cal, I've had a change of heart." Cupid explained, sighing.
"Cupid you have no heart!" Cal screamed angrily
"If I have no heart, then why can I feel it beating? It is hungry Cal, and I know what it craves. It wants love. If I deny my heart any longer, I don't know what will happen to my soul. Why can't you understand that?" Cupid asked.
Cal shook his head in disbelief, bowed, and walked out of the room. Leaving Cupid to wallow in his pain. The sun continued to rise into the blood red sky, erasing the dark curse that harbored in his immortal soul.
***
The woman woke up in Aaron's arms. They were on the cot, their bodies pressed closely together. The warmth from Aaron's breath comforted her. As she began to look around the room, she noticed the sun was almost high in the sky. The woman shifted up and swung her legs over the cot. She could feel the dusty wood floors under her skin as she stood.
Aaron let out a yawn and then opened his eyes.
"Morning already?" he asked smiling.
"I better get home." the woman said abruptly.
A sad look washed over Aaron's face. He quickly got up and moved towards the woman. He took her hands, and held them to his face.
"Please don't go...at least not yet." Aaron begged softly.
"I must get home Aaron. You don't understand..." the woman started, pulling away.
The woman made her way to the door but before she could open it, she felt a hand on her shoulder. She looked around to find, Aaron's soft blue eyes, looking down at her. The woman wanted to ignore the pain in his eyes but she couldn't resist. She buried her head in Aaron's chest, and let warm tears rain from her eyes. The woman could feel Aaron's arms wrap around her as she cried.
"You don't have to go. Your father...your family will understand. They don't own you, you can do anything you want, right?" Aaron asked softly.
The woman looked up into Aaron's eyes and shook her head slowly.
"You do not know me or who my family is. I can't be here, I can't be here with you." the woman replied firmly, looking away.
"Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't want to be here with me. Do that for me and I promise I'll let you walk away without stopping you." Aaron ordered angrily.
The woman struggled to look at Aaron. Her eyes were filled with tears and her heart was numbed with pain. She did not want to leave Aaron, but she had no choice. Her father would be looking for her, with the whole Spanish brigade if she didn't go home. They would hurt Aaron because he was an outsider on these lands. They would think that he was the woman's attacker. Deep down in her heart, the woman knew she couldn't let anything happen to Aaron. She was too attached to him now.
"I don't want to be here...here with you." the woman said shakily, looking into Aaron's eyes.
"If you must leave then leave, but please tell me one thing. Leave me with one reminder of your beautiful soul, please." Aaron begged, tears filling his eyes.
"Yes?" the woman asked softly.
"What is your name?" Aaron asked.
"I...don't think I should tell you that." the woman replied.
"What is it with you? You don't want to leave but you say you must. You don't want to tell me your name. A simple godforsaken name. Why do you torment me this way?" Aaron asked angrily.
"I can't tell you my name...because if I do we won't be able to talk like the way we do. Things would be different." the woman replied sadly.
"Different how?" Aaron asked.
"Just different." the woman replied, turning towards the door.
"Last night after you kissed me, we gazed into each other's eyes for what seemed like hours. During that time, I saw your soul. I saw a soul that roamed free...a soul that I wanted to be one with. If you believe in love at first sight...then you know just how I feel. I just want to know your name so that I can hold on to you, even when you're not here with me." Aaron explained softly.
The woman caught her breath, as she placed her hand on the wooden doorknob. She wanted so much to turn around and kiss Aaron but she knew that would make it harder for her to leave. Not thinking about it, the woman thrust open the door, letting the cool morning air caress her face. As she walked out the door she left her savior with a gift.
"My name is Esperanza, Princess of Suelo de Sangre." the woman said.
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Thanks for the review Sela but I don't think I'm going to finish this. Its been written a long time ago and the idea has been abandoned but if I do pick this up again, I'll heed your suggestions.
~Angel
I'm not one for nitpicking, so I won't, but...
Like a ton of stories these days, this is ridiculously fast-paced. Everyone seems to be bi-polar, and none of them seem to realize they're trying to act real, not like actors in a bad soap-opera.
The premise is cool - I've always adored Greek Myths and everything to do with them - but the way you develop the characters just doesn't work. 'Soft blue eyes'? Every single guy who a gal falls in love with seems to have soft - or deep - blue eyes. Why can't they be muddy green, like a swamp? Or a really hideous ORANGE color? Anything but blue!
Also, the whole 'shoulder-length blonde hair' is getting moldy. Just like with his eyes - why can't his hair be mousy-brown, or like Steve Martin, where it's just gotten white really fast? Pretty much every beautiful boy has blue eyes and blonde hair.
So yeah, what you need to work on is originality, and slowing down. Trust me, I know about slowing down - I have that problem myself. x-x
TIP: What I do, after a finishing a certain part, is go back to the beginning of that part, and reading through it. Then picture the characters, the background, and what they say, and ask yourself 'Is this realistic?
Anyhow, I must be going. Good luck with your story! ^_^
-SELA
Thanks Olivia and Ash! I did give up on this a long time ago but I do love this because this was my first actual book that I was going to write. If I think of anything, I'll be happy to continue this and I will take your advice Ash. So when this is edited and if I decide to post a second part other than the one I already have because that one sucks, I'll let you both know. Thanks again!
~Angel
[s]Okay, Angel, this is super long and I'm at school...so have no time to correct.
hehe
hehe
But please remind me to come back here by a Pm or I'll just come back tonight.
Save this spot for me
Be back later![/s]
Okay, I'm back
I decided to do it line by line this time since this chapter was longer.
It should be "to" instead.
Interesting idea, Angel. You definitely got my attention
Should be a semicolon after "Mercy" instead of a comma.
Ah! It's a vampire tale. Me like more!
This might be coming up later and I just dont' know it yet, but why is his heart softening? You mihgt need to explain that more to the reader...
Okay, this is why his heart is softening...I assumed this was coming up, so foreget last comment.
All right, in the beginning, he sounded heartless, against everything that is lovely. But now, you say he isn't...has time passed in this prologue or is he just talking about his past in the beginning, how he used to be? I would try to go into more detail if that is the case to show this to the reader.
This is a fragment. I would add more to this sentence. What will she do with her cross? Stuff like that.
There should be a comma after "girl" instead of a comma.
And do you mean "knew" she was a strange girl or....because this sentence is very awkward.
Another fragment. I would just add "was" between "body" and "so"
Okay, I get the feeling that this is set in older times before technology, right? But this phrase is very modern-sounding. Try making it sound more old fasioned like: Please don't act like what you did wasn't something heroic! I will never try to fathom the reach of men's pride... or something. I'm not even sure if that made sense...ug...but yeah, I'm sure you can come up with something better
First, there should be a comma after "easily" Remember, with dialogue, you have to have commas instead of periods before tags.
Next, this is another very modern speech. Relationships and such. At least try to make is sound older-fasioned...unless that's not what you are aiming for...then just forget all this.
His angel?! They just met...that was kind of quick, Angel
Very girly saying here, about drop-dead gorgeous...guys wouldn't say that
There should be a comma after "home"
I feel like this relationship is moving very quickly. Just a few short simple sentences even of something th at happened, something that impacted so much that they feel in love....love in first sight is so over-written about, you know Angel? I feel bad saying this since I like this story so much but...'tis true
All right! Now that I have finished, this is definitely a story that I will be back to read more. I like the little twist you put on Beauty and the Beast. But I would go into more detail about this love triangle that seems to be forming
Hope this helped, Angel!
Hey!
I realise that it's almost a year since this thread was created BUT...I've only just found it and I am quite shocked nd little upset that this has not been carried on...or if it has, it has not been posted...Will you ever go back to this? I'd really like to see where it was going because I do love your style of writing...
Phenominal, that is one great freakin chapter. PM me if you come out with more.
Pretty good start, but it's too poetic in the beginning. Some grounded sentences/phrases here and there could minimize the risk of the reader's head in the clouds.
Good start, Angel!
Intresting begining. Some lines are a bit contradicting as Arion pointed out. I think you can give more details in the description of the princess and Cupid. I hope this helps I'm not much of a crtique sorry.
This is going to take me a loooong time to critique, but I will soldier through!
I don't think the second 'water' is necessary.
Maybe this was just a typo, but you used 'deadly tune' twice to describe the whistling of wind through the trees/the sounds of the forest.
You've mixed up your tenses a wee bit here. It should be: In time, the moon would rise to light the blood red sky. Then no one would be safe, no matter how fast they ran.
The 'she tripped and fell' seems a little abrupt. What did she trip over, and why?
Those sentences should be: "Calm down my dear. It'll just be a little pinch," the man whispered, licking her neck.
'Vile' is a good word choice, but I don't think 'nasty' is. Yes, that is an accurate description of how she must be feeling, but it just doesn't fit. Why not find a suitable synonym for nasty by using an online Thesaurus?
I never see multiple exclamation points in published works, and if you ever want this published, its a good habit to get into to only use one. Even if you aren't planning to publish this, its still a good habit.
Whoa, slow down a little. That whole bit seems rushed - you should take he time to describe her emotions in greater detail, describe how she felt the man's weight on her. Things like that will make it much more realistic.
And, 'Where am I?" should be in italics since it is a thought.
You never mentioned that she had been picked up by the man! As before, you should slow down a little and elaborate on the five senses, to give the reader a clearer mental image.
And the second sentence should be: She hoped that she would be able to pull out her cross in time.
A man? Typo? (Did you ean to say 'the man'?)
Don't forget to put periods at the end of your sentences!
I don't like how you have described the man's voice by using an adjective/adverb [placed after 'the man asked'], in such close proximity to each other. You know what I mean? The whole, 'the man asked, chuckling' and 'the man asked, curiously.'
Once again, I cannot go on. Long posts are torturous for me to critique - so sorry. I'll continue this later or tomorrow.
The other critiques have already taken care of chapter one, I'm going to start right off the bat, with the prologue.
The first sentence was quite catching, very nice, I must admit. It did it's job and sucked the reader in. Much of what I read has a very clean, simply elegant flow (which I must admit is my personal favorite style of writing). But as with every work, great or lesser, there are a few mistakes to be touched upon.
You use my in this sentence twice. Now, it's not necessary to heed my advice, but I think it could increase the flow if you changed it too "spreading evil with my bow and arrow. Alone."
deja (again)
Just a typo I felt I should point out.
If you say you're going to save that story for another time, then do, don't even summarize it. But, if you are going to summarize it, then I suggest leaving out the 'we'll save this...', and going right into a slightly more detailed explanation. It gives the reader more ground to stand on, and a more visual picture of the words, which is what the rest of the piece does.
I suggest cutting "unless you are a beautiful lady that I want for my personal use." Or simply rewording the whole sentence, so it is more like "The only survivors are the beautiful women I have kept for myself."
In the last sentence, I think you could replace the word Vampires, with We, because the reader has already realized that the speaker is indeed a vampire. It removes some word repetition.
I appreciate what you're trying to do here, but there is a rather major problem. In the beginning of the sentence you state, "I have yearned for so long to feel love again, but no matter how I try my heart is broken." Then at the end you say, "I admit it's because I have found a new love."
It is impossible to not be able to feel love, but have a new love. Just a small thing to work out in your spare time.
Apart from those small details, I think it reads very nicely, and provides a nice, vivid backdrop for the rest of the story to fall on. I have nothing left but good praise, and that's not very critiquful
It's about time I critiqued this!
It's a wee bit long, so I'll do it in fragments. First up: prologue!
That sounds like you mixed up the tenses or something...maybe try this instead:
My anger festers with every true love's kiss.
h.of? Typo, or something?
That's kinda cliched, I'm sorry to say. What I mean by 'cliched' is that its a somewhat overused theme and not very original. >.<
Anyways isn't actually a real word - you can get away with it when reviewing and chatting, but not in literature.
You said, 'What I used to be' and then 'what I am now'. It can't be both [who and what]. It has to be either 'What I used to be does not defy what I am now' or 'Who I used to be does not defy who I am now'.
'In the night' sounds stiff. Why not say 'During the night' or 'In the cover of the night' instead?
In my opinion, you shouldn't use contractions. So, if you scrap the contraction, it would be 'We are'.
'Beast' needs to be plural.
However poetic 'Immortal sins' sounds, it isn't grammatically correct. It should be 'immortal sinners'.
Ohh...*barfs* That's lovely.
Get rid of the contractions.
They'll=they will. That'll=that will.
Don't=do not. I'll=I will. She's=she is.
You have a very nice start here (albeit slightly cliched) and I can't wait to read the next part!
I'll give you my full opinion once I've read the first chapter too.
Cheers,
Camille
I am back at your request! Actually, I would've sent a PM, but there's a couple typos I'd like to point out.
There's some indenting issues, but nothing serious.
"My league of bloodthirsty animals and I"
...out to be a fake--she used me.
Now that she mentally killed me, her entire race must pay.
Typo? Cupid or Cupido?
No apostrophe. Just 'girls'
In the night my newfound family and I lurk around [insert place here], searching for blood to quench our thirst.
...how hard?
I'm thinking 'these monsters' will work, rather than 'those monsters'.
Is this a spot of character I read?
I like this, if I haven't pointed it out or if it's new. ^_^
...threw the ocean water onto it?
...didn't head home could be heard. (No comma)
It'll just be a little pinch," the man muttered in her ear, his hot breath sending chills down the girl's spine. He licked her, causing the woman to squeal with fear, trying to escape his grasp.
Meh, use 'monster.' That'll get him ticked.
You know as well as I it needs fixing.
Is there a reason the next two paragraphs are in italics?
Comma, rather than a semicolon. And how about 'familiar face' rather than 'family face'.
How about she ignored it, rather than saying 'stand up' again.
Twenties.
Comma, not a period.
Lol, um...^^; How'd she know his name? And isn't the male spelling Aaron?
He's got a really short temper. I suggest fixing that.
Than, not then. Lots of people make that mistake.
His body was nicely toned. And I'm guessing she's looking at his chest.
Her face grew hot.
Some issues with the dialogue lately. They're bonding pretty fast, and your questions are so simple and random. Make their conversation flow in the direction you want. Asking if she's an only child has nothing to do with mending wounds. Also, the King had time to teach her First Aid? The info can come later, if need be. We want them to get used to each other first. No couple bonds this quickly.
This was good characterization, if you want the princess to be a brat with bad manners. IF you want her to be a pretty princess, don't have her point out he must be an outsider. Choose your character. Do you want her to be a stubborn, spoiled brat? Or a friendly, patient princess?
You can have Erin (spelling?) look panicked, or start fidgeting nervously.
Aah! The worst cliffhanger ever!! Lol.
Your rewrite definitely improved. Near the end, you started to lose it. You get so distracted with dialogue, you forgot description.
Well, where to go next...maybe something can happen on their way back to the palace? Or a simple walk down the path can show lots of characterization. Is Erin a romantic? I'm assuming he is. Maybe he plucks a rose from a bush, comparing her to a rose. Or, since their just acquaintances, they join in simple conversation. Have them laugh at how she thrust her cross at him.
Maybe, on their way back to the palace, they are under attack by that Cupid guy's minions or somethin' and Esperanza gets kidnapped. Erin runs away, realizing he can't face them alone. He gets help from his close buds or from outlaws or somethin'.
Have Erin ask why Esperanza was outside in the first place. Or...I can't think of much else. With what I gave you, you can probably think something up. If it doesn't help, let me know. I'll think about it. ^_^
Jabber, the One and Only!
Hey! I just wanted to tell you that you have a very interesting take on this Beauty and the Beast thing. This could turn out cool. Great job!
BBB
Hello! You don't know me, but I'm willing to help you improve. If I say anything harsh, PM me please. I don't mean to be mean at all. I only want to make suggestions to help you. However, I have a good record of grammar-picky, friendly critiques. ^_^ On with the review!
I read your prologue and it actually seems like a summary at the back of a book. I haven't read many prologues, but, judging from the ones I have read, this prologue sounds like you would put on the back cover. However, others may disagree (happens ^_^; ) and, so, I will make suggestions anyway.
The bolded words should be plural to compliment the underlined words. That comma after 'human' doesn't have to be their either.
You could probably join these two with a semicolon if you wanted, but it's fine how it is. ^_^ The bolded part should have an apostrophe ( ' ). The first sentence felt kind of awkward when I got to the underlined part. Rewriting that part may be a good idea. No one has challenged these fiends from below; everyone cower at the thought of their blood being drawn by their vicious fangs, their souls being drawn from their bodies. <== Just an example. Not the best, but gives an idea. ^_^
The contractions make it sound clunky (you'd wish she'd kill...). The bolded does not need an apostrophe because it is plural. Only if one vampire is in possession of something (or the rules are along something like that) will it get an apostrophe. This is plural and, therefore, gets no apostrophe. Special, eh?
You can probably break this into multiple sentences for a more dramatic effect. The bolded part (possible first sentence) can delete the 'because' then add a comma after 'end'. In the italicized part (the second sentence) is...good, lol. The underlined part is alright. Is it possible to do something with "...thicker than water?" Maybe say "...one values more than blood." That's kind of a pathetic example, lol, but...if it's possible, change that.
Nein! Never use manners when handing a horror, lol. You make this sound scary, so you must introduce it with scariness. You use because a lot too. Splitting it into two sentences can make it more dramatic. Contractions are friends, but you don't have to use them all the time. ^_~ (Don't worry, I do that too. I always fix it when I reread my work and I still miss stuff, lol.)
Again, your prologue is good, but it's more of a summary or, more like, an author's note. You use 'you' a lot (I think that's second POV?) and singles out the reader, but that's not your POV for the story. Maybe I'm wrong and you've seen prologues like that, but I've seen Authors' Notes before the story and this sounds exactly like. So, for an Author's Note, It's very good, lol.
I'll come back to review the chapter, I swear. However, I haven't slept well for the past week and want to get to bed early. So, I will check back later. I hope I was helpful. If I was harsh, kill me or somethin', lol. Main thing to look for is tone. I know, that's a scary word and, seriously, I'm afraid of it too, but I sometimes use tone without realizing I did. Let the reader feel what you're saying.
What I tell a lot of people: We have five senses, use them to your advantage! A writer can do anything with those to make their story more dramatic! Her hair smells as sweet as a rose. My head beat like a drum, throbbing painfully in my skull. His whistle pierced through the loud chatter of the room, causing silence to settle around the room while my ears beat painfully from the high pitch. You can do anything! It just takes practice.
Anyway, this story really does sound good. I look forward to reading. I usually have no problems with plot lines. I always enjoy a good story. I'm a fantasy reader so, anything that sounds unrealistic, I learn to deal with. I never have problems with plot lines and, what you have here, sounds very good. It's just the wording that could use some work.
Keep writing! I'll be back later!
I hope I helped!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Thanks for the advice everyone who reads and critiques!!!
Hm...I liked it. Really short, but this could be a VERY interesting book. Also, only use three dots right here
" ready to fire.............."
It should be, "ready to fire..."
that way it makes it look more professional. Other than that, I would be interested in reading this. PM me if you post more.
BBB